Divorce can be one of the most difficult experiences a family goes through, and while many children eventually adapt, some struggle more deeply or for longer periods. As a parent navigating separation or divorce in New York City, it’s natural to wonder how your child is coping—whether their reactions are expected or signs they may need extra support like therapy.
Nearly half of all children in the U.S. will witness a divorce, and although many show resilience, others may experience long-term emotional, behavioral, or academic challenges that shouldn’t be overlooked.
This guide will walk you through how to recognize when your child might benefit from therapy during or after divorce. We’ll explore common short- and long-term reactions, types of therapy available (like play, group, and family therapy), and how different age groups process divorce.
You’ll also learn how co-parenting dynamics affect your child’s well-being, how therapy builds emotional regulation and resilience, and how therapy intersects with custody cases. We’ll offer practical guidance for finding the right resources, knowing when to take action, and talking to your child about therapy—all to help you make confident, informed decisions in support of your child’s mental health and future stability.
Divorce’s Impact on Children (Short-Term vs. Long-Term Effects)
Every child reacts to divorce differently. Some bounce back after an initial period of sadness or anger, while others experience deeper turmoil. It’s important to distinguish between short-term reactions, which are a normal part of the adjustment process, and long-term issues that might signal a need for additional support.
Short-Term Adjustment: In the immediate aftermath of a separation, it’s expected for children to exhibit strong emotions and changes in behavior. Your child’s world is undergoing a major upheaval, so feelings of shock, anger, confusion, sadness, anxiety, or even relief in some cases, are common in the short term. Younger kids might become clingy or regress (e.g., bed-wetting, tantrums), and older kids might act out or seem withdrawn.
Long-Term Adjustment: The good news from decades of research is that, for most children, divorce does not cause irreversible harm to their mental health or development. In fact, studies consistently find that most kids are resilient and successfully cope over time, especially if the divorce is handled in a healthy manner. After a readjustment period of a year or two (sometimes longer), the majority of children are able to get on with their lives with no serious long-term issues related to the divorce. Their initial pain becomes a memory that, while painful, doesn’t prevent them from thriving. Divorce poses many challenges to children, but if managed well, it “does not lead to irreversible damage” in most cases.
That said, long-term problems can arise for some kids, particularly if certain risk factors are present. Ongoing issues might include persistent depression or anxiety, behavior problems, academic struggles, or difficulty forming trusting relationships later on. It’s important to understand what factors can make divorce harder on a child in the long run:
- Level of Parental Conflict: The more parents argue during or after divorce—especially in front of the child—the harder it is for kids to adjust. Ongoing conflict increases emotional stress, while minimizing disputes and communicating calmly supports healthier outcomes.
- Co-Parenting Quality: Children do better when parents can cooperate and maintain consistent rules across both households. Unified, respectful co-parenting gives kids stability and helps them feel secure during the transition.
- Individual Child Temperament and History: A child’s personality and background influence how they handle divorce. Kids with anxiety, special needs, or past trauma may need more support, while those with easygoing temperaments and strong support systems may adjust more easily.
- Amicable vs. Contested Divorce: Peaceful divorces tend to be easier on kids. High-conflict separations with court battles or constant tension create lasting stress and can lead to emotional or behavioral problems.
- Support Systems and Environment: Children with steady routines and support from relatives, teachers, or therapists often cope better. In contrast, instability from frequent moves or financial strain can intensify the challenges of divorce.
Signs Your Child May Need Therapy (Behavioral & Emotional Red Flags)
It’s common for children to show behavioral changes during a divorce—like mood swings, acting out, or becoming extra clingy. Most of these responses are short-term and fade as they adjust. What matters is how long the behavior lasts and whether it’s improving. If weeks or months pass and your child is still struggling, it may be time to consider therapy.
While every child reacts differently, persistent or clustered symptoms may signal they’re having difficulty coping on their own. Below are common signs that your child may need extra support:
- Persistent Sadness or Depression: It’s normal for kids to feel sad during divorce, but ongoing sadness, frequent crying, irritability, or loss of interest in activities may signal depression—especially if it lasts for weeks or worsens over time.
- Excessive Anxiety or Fear: Divorce can trigger anxiety, but intense, lasting fears—like extreme clinginess, separation anxiety, nightmares, or physical complaints—may indicate deeper emotional struggles.
- Anger and Aggression: While some anger is expected, frequent outbursts, fighting, destruction, or cruel behavior suggest your child may be overwhelmed and need help managing their emotions.
- Behavioral Problems and Rule-Breaking: Sudden defiance, lying, risky behavior, or signs of substance use can be your child’s way of coping with stress and should be taken seriously.
- Changes in Eating or Sleeping Patterns: Divorce-related stress may cause appetite or sleep changes. Persistent issues like weight loss, insomnia, or excessive sleeping could reflect emotional distress.
- Decline in School Performance: If grades drop, homework is incomplete, or teachers report changes in behavior, it may be a sign that your child is distracted, overwhelmed, or struggling to adjust.
- Social Withdrawal or Loss of Friends: Pulling away from friends, hobbies, or group activities can signal depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem—especially if your child used to be more outgoing.
- Regression in Behavior: Younger children may revert to babyish behaviors like bed-wetting or thumb-sucking when feeling insecure. Persistent regression is a red flag that your child is struggling.
- Compulsive or Repetitive Behaviors: New habits like excessive handwashing, ritualistic routines, or obsessive organizing may be a child’s way of controlling stress, and could point to anxiety.
- Frequent Worries and Questions about the Divorce: It’s normal to ask questions, but constant worry, guilt, or repeated need for reassurance can signal anxiety that therapy may help resolve.
- Refusal to Spend Time with One Parent: A sudden refusal to visit one parent could reflect loyalty struggles or emotional distress. It’s worth exploring further, especially if distress is intense or ongoing.
This is not an exhaustive list – any significant change in your child’s behavior, emotions, or personality that lasts more than a few weeks is worth paying attention to. Trust your parental instincts. You know your child’s typical behavior best; if they just don’t seem like themselves for an extended period, err on the side of seeking help.
How Therapy Can Help a Child During Divorce (Building Resilience & Emotional Skills)
When a child is struggling with the fallout of a divorce, therapy can be an invaluable support system. A skilled child therapist provides a safe, neutral space for your son or daughter to express feelings they might be afraid to share with you or simply can’t put into words. Especially in a tumultuous time, therapy can help a child make sense of what’s happening and learn healthy ways to cope. Let’s explore some of the key benefits of therapy for children of divorce, particularly in fostering resilience and emotional regulation:
- Processing Emotions in a Healthy Way: Therapy helps kids identify and express difficult emotions like anger, sadness, or guilt in age-appropriate ways—through talking, play, or art—so those feelings don’t build up or turn into harmful behaviors.
- Reducing Anxiety and Misconceptions: Therapists gently correct false beliefs (like “the divorce is my fault”) and offer reassurance, helping kids feel more secure and less fearful about the changes in their family.
- Building Resilience and Coping Skills: Children learn healthy ways to manage stress, like breathing exercises or problem-solving, which not only help during divorce but also build emotional resilience for future challenges.
- Improving Behavior and Social Skills: As kids process their emotions, behavior issues often improve. Therapy also supports social development by helping children express themselves and connect better with peers.
- Providing a Stable, Trusted Relationship: A therapist offers consistent, judgment-free support, giving kids a safe space to talk openly and feel heard—something especially important when home life feels uncertain.
- Fostering a Positive Outlook: Therapy helps reframe negative thoughts and encourages kids to see that while life is changing, they’re still loved and supported. This hopeful mindset builds long-term confidence and resilience.
Therapy helps children build emotional regulation, healthy thinking patterns, and strong coping skills—key ingredients for resilience. It’s not about erasing the pain of divorce, but about giving your child tools to handle it and emerge stronger. Far from being a punishment or a sign of failure, therapy is a proactive way to support your child’s well-being. Many kids even come to enjoy their sessions, especially younger ones who benefit from play or creative activities.
Therapy is most effective when the child is willing to participate. If your child is hesitant, involve them in choosing a therapist or suggest trying just a few sessions. Some therapists work with parents first or use family sessions to ease kids in. School counselors can also be a good starting point, offering support in a familiar setting. Whether it’s individual or group-based, therapy can help your child gain insight, manage emotions, and prevent bigger issues from developing later.
Types of Child Therapy (Individual, Group, Play, and Family Therapy)
Therapy for children isn’t one-size-fits-all. Several therapeutic approaches can help kids through a divorce, and the right choice depends on the child’s age, personality, and specific issues, as well as the family’s preferences.
To make it easy to compare, the table below summarizes four major therapy types for children:
A Quick Therapy-Type Overview
Each of these therapies can significantly benefit a child, and sometimes they are used in combination. There’s no one “right” way – it depends on what your child responds to.
- Play Therapy: Tailored for younger kids, play therapy uses art, toys, and storytelling to help children express feelings indirectly. Therapists guide children through their play to uncover and address underlying emotions like sadness, fear, or anger. It’s a gentle, non-intimidating way for kids to process complex experiences at their developmental level.
- Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: This one-on-one approach helps kids express emotions and learn coping skills in a private, safe space. Therapists may use talk therapy or Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to challenge negative thoughts, especially with older kids and teens. For younger children, play therapy is often used to explore feelings through creative activities. Sessions are typically confidential, helping children feel comfortable being honest.
- Group Therapy: Group sessions give children a chance to connect with peers going through similar experiences. Sharing feelings, participating in guided activities, and hearing “me too” moments can reduce feelings of isolation. These groups help normalize emotions and teach skills for managing divorce-related challenges. Teens may especially benefit from peer support environments.
- Family Therapy: This approach focuses on improving family dynamics post-divorce. It may involve both parents and the child (together or separately) and helps with communication, repairing strained relationships, and supporting consistent co-parenting. It’s also a space for emotional healing, where children can express their feelings and hear reassurances from their parents in a structured, supportive environment.
Lastly, don’t forget your own mental health. While this article is about children, a parent’s mental well-being greatly affects a child’s adjustment. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the divorce (very common), consider therapy for yourself or co-parenting counseling.
Age-Specific Considerations: How Children of Different Ages Cope with Divorce
Knowing what to expect at various ages can help you tailor your approach and communication. Here’s a breakdown of age-specific responses and needs:
- Infants (0–2 years):
Babies can’t understand divorce, but they feel changes in routine and caregiver emotions. Stress or disruption may cause fussiness or clinginess. Their core needs are consistency and comfort. Therapy isn’t usually needed, but pediatric guidance may help if there are signs of distress. - Preschoolers (3–5 years):
They may know the word “divorce” but don’t grasp its meaning. Expect questions like “Where will I live?” or magical thinking (“If I’m good, they’ll get back together”). Common responses include regressions and separation anxiety. Provide simple, reassuring explanations and consistent routines. Play therapy can help if strong emotions surface. - School-Age (6–12 years):
Kids begin to understand that divorce is permanent, though younger ones may hope for reconciliation. Older children want more explanation and may feel torn between parents or try to “fix” things. They need honesty, emotional validation, and involvement in changes. Therapy helps them express feelings and reduce guilt or confusion. - Teens (13–18 years):
Teens understand divorce on a deeper level and may demand more detail, express anger, or emotionally withdraw. Some act out or take on adult responsibilities. They need respect, inclusion in decisions, and space to process. Therapy offers a safe outlet, especially if they resist talking to parents. Avoid relying on them for emotional support.
Always reassure children of all ages that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault. This message cannot be overstated. Also, never put kids in the middle of adult conflicts – for example, don’t use them as messengers or ask them to keep secrets from the other parent. Keep conflict away from the kids (we’ll discuss co-parenting next), because even teenagers, despite acting cool or indifferent, can be deeply affected by witnessing parental fights.
The Importance of Healthy Co-Parenting (and Its Impact on Kids)
It’s often said that children don’t divorce their parents – they still have two parents even after the marriage ends. How you and your ex-partner handle that reality can make a world of difference in your child’s adjustment. In fact, as noted earlier, parental conflict is one of the strongest predictors of children’s post-divorce problems.
Minimize Conflict and Communicate Civilly
One of the biggest predictors of a child’s post-divorce well-being is how much conflict they witness between parents. Keep disagreements private and never involve your child in arguments, bad-mouthing, or delivering messages. If direct communication is tense, use co-parenting apps or email. Aim for a respectful, business-like tone focused on the child’s needs.
Consistency, Stability, and Shared Routines
Children thrive on routine. Try to keep rules, bedtimes, and expectations similar across both homes. This helps prevent confusion and reduces stress. Use shared calendars or apps to coordinate schedules, schoolwork, and medical care. The more aligned and predictable life feels, the more secure your child will be.
Respect Boundaries and Keep Kids Out of Adult Issues
Don’t involve children in legal or financial matters, and never ask them to spy or report on the other parent. Avoid venting to or through them. If they ask about sensitive topics, give age-appropriate, reassuring answers. Present a united front when possible—especially for therapy or big decisions—to reinforce that both parents are still looking out for them.
When Co-Parenting is Hard
In high-conflict or unsafe situations, parallel parenting may be necessary—minimal contact between parents, clear boundaries, and a focus on stability. Even small improvements, like peaceful drop-offs or sticking to schedules, make a big difference. When parents reduce conflict and stay focused on the child’s well-being, kids adjust better—sometimes needing less therapy as a result.
Therapy and Child Custody: Legal Considerations and “Best Interest” Factors
Family courts, including those in New York, operate under the standard of “the best interest of the child.” This means that in any custody or visitation dispute, a judge will make decisions based on what arrangement will most benefit the child’s well-being. A child’s mental and emotional health is a key part of that well-being. Therefore, the fact that a child is in therapy – and how each parent supports or doesn’t support that therapy – can sometimes factor into custody decisions. Here are some legal considerations to keep in mind:
- Courts Often Encourage Therapy: Family courts may recommend or mandate therapy for children during high-conflict divorces. Complying shows you prioritize your child’s well-being, while resistance can reflect poorly on your parenting.
- Demonstrating Good Parenting: Getting your child therapy voluntarily shows the court you’re proactive and attentive to their emotional needs. Ignoring serious signs of distress could be viewed as neglectful.
- Therapist’s Input: Therapists usually don’t testify, but may provide general progress reports if approved. These protect the child’s privacy while reinforcing key needs like stability or reduced conflict.
- Documented Effort: Showing up—attending sessions, following therapist recommendations, and supporting your child’s progress—demonstrates consistency and responsibility to the court.
- Co-Parent Cooperation on Therapy: When both parents support therapy, it reflects well legally. If one parent obstructs treatment without valid cause, the court may view it as harmful to the child’s best interest.
- Therapy Is Not a Tiebreaker, but… Therapy alone won’t decide custody, but a parent’s willingness to support it can influence decisions around legal authority and who’s more attuned to the child’s needs.
- Therapy for Parents: Judges may order therapy or parenting classes for adults—not as punishment, but to help reduce conflict and improve co-parenting. Willingness to participate reflects maturity and care.
- Child’s Wishes and Well-Being: Older children (around 12+) may have their custody preferences considered. Therapy can help them understand and express those wishes in a healthy, supported way.
- Court Testimony of Children: Courts avoid putting kids on the stand. Instead, law guardians represent their wishes, and therapy is rarely used as direct evidence unless there’s a major concern like abuse.
Finding Support: Resources for Your Child (and You) in NYC
Navigating divorce is hard enough; finding the right help for your child shouldn’t be an added burden. Fortunately, in a city like New York, there are many resources to support children’s mental health during divorce. Here are some avenues to explore:
- School Counselors and Programs: Most schools have counselors or psychologists who can support students during family changes. Let your child’s school know about the divorce so staff can monitor and assist. Some NYC schools offer peer support groups like “Banana Splits,” while others provide short-term one-on-one help or referrals to outside services.
- Pediatricians and Family Doctors: Your child’s doctor can be a key resource for emotional and physical concerns related to divorce. They can screen for anxiety or depression, track stress-related symptoms, and refer you to trusted child therapists or specialists in your area.
- Child Therapists and Counseling Centers: New York City has a large community of mental health professionals. You can find licensed child psychologists, licensed clinical social workers (LCSWs), and licensed mental health counselors who specialize in issues like family transitions, trauma, anxiety, etc. To find one:
- Insurance Directory: Use your health insurance’s online tool to find in-network child or teen therapists by filtering for relevant specialties.
- Professional Associations: Websites like ABCT and AAMFT offer directories to find qualified therapists in cognitive-behavioral or family therapy near you.
- Local Clinics & Nonprofits: NYC clinics and nonprofits (like Child Mind Institute) offer low-cost or sliding-scale therapy, including divorce-focused programs and university-run clinics.
- Family Court Resources: NYC family courts may provide referrals to therapy programs, parenting classes, or Children’s Centers—even if you’re not in active litigation.
- Online Therapy Platforms: Teletherapy is widely available for kids and teens. Just confirm the provider is licensed in New York before starting.
- Support Groups for Parents and Kids: Support groups offer a space to share and heal. Kids can join age-based groups through schools, community centers, or online (with supervision). Parents can benefit from divorce support groups or parenting classes, gaining tips and emotional support. A stronger parent means a stronger child.
- Books and Educational Resources: Books can help kids process divorce at their level—picture books for young children, journals for preteens, and guides for teens. Parents can also find helpful reads on supporting children through divorce. While not a substitute for therapy, these resources offer useful insights and tools.
- Talk to Your Lawyer (If Applicable): Your custody attorney may have referrals for child therapists or family programs. Some firms include therapy recommendations or agreements in parenting plans. Lawyers increasingly recognize the importance of mental health in custody cases.
- Crisis Resources: Hopefully it’s not needed, but if your child is experiencing a mental health crisis (talk of self-harm, extreme behavior), know that help is available immediately. NYC has a 24/7 mental health hotline (NYC Well: call or text) where you can consult about a crisis. In severe cases, NYC has mobile crisis units that can come to your home. For urgent situations, don’t hesitate to call your doctor or 911 if you fear your child might hurt themselves or others – safety comes first.
8. Use Mediation or Counseling for Co-Parenting: If co-parenting issues are directly harming the child (e.g., constant fights at exchanges), consider using a mediator or co-parenting counselor to work out those kinks. Reducing your conflict is one of the best “therapies” for your child. Some family therapy practices in NYC offer co-parent coaching sessions specifically for divorced parents to improve communication and consistency. This indirectly benefits the child’s mental health immensely.
Talking to Your Child About Therapy: When and How to Start the Conversation
Approaching the topic of therapy with your child can be delicate. You might worry that your child will feel singled out, scared, or insulted by the idea of seeing a “feelings doctor.” However, with a thoughtful conversation, you can frame therapy in a positive, supportive light. Here are some tips on when and how to talk to your child about going to therapy:
- Pick the Right Moment: Talk about therapy during a calm, quiet time—not in the heat of an argument. If possible, both parents should be present and supportive.
- Give a Heads-Up: Let your child know about therapy in advance. Younger kids may need a day or two; older ones may benefit from more notice to process and ask questions.
- Be Honest and Positive: Explain that therapy is about support, not punishment. Frame it as a tool to help them feel better—like a coach for their feelings.
- Normalize Therapy: Let them know lots of kids (and adults) go to therapy. Reassure them it’s normal and nothing to be embarrassed about—just like seeing a doctor.
- Ask and Listen: Invite their thoughts and address concerns. Validate any fears, correct misunderstandings, and make sure they know it’s their choice who they tell.
- Explain the Process: Describe what to expect in a first session in age-appropriate terms. Emphasize privacy and that they can take things at their own pace.
- Emphasize the Therapist’s Role: Present the therapist as a “feelings helper” or “coach” who’s on their side—not someone who takes Mom or Dad’s side.
- Be Supportive and Patient: If they’re hesitant, try a gentle intro visit. Reassure them you’ll be there every step of the way and can switch therapists if needed.
- Lead by Example: If applicable, share your own therapy experience or normalize it through someone they know. A hopeful, caring tone helps them feel safe.
Lastly, follow through. If you’ve set an appointment, try your best to get your child there on time and attend regularly. Celebrate the courage it took them afterwards (“I’m proud of you for going, I know new things can be hard”). Many kids, once they start, actually enjoy having their special time each week. If your child truly hates it after a fair trial, discuss with the therapist – sometimes the approach can be adjusted, or a different therapist might be better. But most of the time, with your support, your child will gradually engage and benefit.
Get a Top Child Custody Attorney in New York City
At Brian D. Perskin & Associates, we understand that divorce isn’t just a legal process—it’s a major life shift for you and your children. If you’re navigating custody, visitation, or parenting plan decisions, our experienced New York City child custody attorneys are here to help you protect what matters most: your child’s emotional and developmental well-being.
Let us help you create a custody agreement that supports your child’s stability, mental health, and future success. Contact Brian D. Perskin & Associates today for a confidential consultation.