Losing custody of your child is heartbreaking, but you’re not powerless. New York courts generally believe a child benefits from having both parents in their life, so there is hope.
The key is to address the issues that led to the custody decision and show the court you can provide a safe, stable, loving home. This guide offers practical, parent-to-parent advice on rebuilding your case and strengthening your relationship with your children under New York law. Remember – every family is different, and these tips should be adapted to your situation.
Seeking custody again can feel overwhelming, but taking positive steps can make a real difference. Whether the custody order came out of a divorce or a family court case, understanding the process is vital.
If your situation arose during a divorce, learning about the divorce process in New York can help you navigate any remaining legal issues. Throughout this journey, be patient but persistent. With dedication, you can demonstrate to the court that you deserve another chance to care for your children. Here are ten tips to guide you on the road to regaining custody.
1. Understand Why Custody Was Lost and Address Those Issues
First, it’s important to understand exactly why the court took custody away. This isn’t always easy to face, but it’s the first step toward making lasting change. In New York, courts typically remove custody when they believe a child’s safety or well-being is at risk. That could mean concerns about:
- Abuse
- Neglect
- Substance use
- Repeated violations of court orders
- An unstable home environment
Whatever the reason, the court will expect to see real, documented improvements before considering a change.
Here are some steps you can take to show you’ve addressed the issues:
- Complete any court-ordered programs (such as parenting classes, rehab, or anger management)
- Seek treatment for substance use and obtain proof of sobriety (test results, sponsor letters, etc.)
- If domestic violence or unsafe relationships were a factor, attend counseling and cut ties with those involved
- Make sure your home is safe, stable, and child-friendly
- Gather documentation: program certificates, therapist letters, or written confirmations from social workers
- Avoid further legal trouble and comply with all current court orders
New York law assumes that children thrive when both parents are involved, so the court is often open to custody modifications — but only if you can prove that the conditions that led to the original decision no longer exist. This is where working with an experienced family law attorney can help. They’ll help you identify gaps, organize your progress, and present your case clearly in court. With consistent effort and the right guidance, you can demonstrate that you’re ready to care for your children again.
2. Follow All Court Orders and Stay Current on Child Support Obligations
Demonstrate responsibility and compliance. Continue following every court order – even the ones you may disagree with – no matter what the other parent does. This includes visitation schedules, restraining orders, and any family court mandates. Showing consistent respect for the legal process proves you can work within the system. For instance, if you have visitation time, attend every scheduled visit or make it up promptly if you miss one. Always be on time for exchanges and document everything, like drop-off and pick-up times, in your personal journal.
Equally important is meeting your child support obligations. New York courts will not let a custodial parent withhold visits because of unpaid support, but behind on payments will hurt your credibility in court. If you have a support order, make every payment on time. If you’re struggling, explain your situation to your lawyer and consider negotiating or petitioning for a modification. Staying current (or catching up) shows the court you are serious about your parental duties. As one custody attorney notes, failing to pay support “will be devastating to your custody case”, so treat this as a top priority. By obeying all orders and keeping up with support, you send a strong message that you can be trusted with your child’s care.
3. Spend Quality Time with Your Children and Keep Detailed Records
Be present in your child’s life and document it carefully. Courts want to see that you’re actively involved. Attend every school event, doctor appointment, or extracurricular activity you can – show that you know your child’s teachers, doctors, and friends. Treat every allowable visit as precious time: do fun outings, help with homework, or just enjoy each other’s company. The more time you spend with your child (within the terms of your current order), the more it builds your bond and demonstrates commitment.
At the same time, keep meticulous records of everything related to your child. Keep a journal noting dates and details of pick-ups, drop-offs, phone calls, video chats, school meetings, and even mundane things like buying clothes or school supplies. For example, write down every time you attend a parent-teacher conference or help your child with homework. Document all child support payments made (amount, date, to whom) as well as any gifts or other support you provide. Courts look favorably on parents who have well-organized evidence. As one lawyer advises, “Courts are all about record-keeping”, so a detailed log can help prove your ongoing involvement.
Spending one-on-one time with your child and keeping a record of these moments helps rebuild your case. When possible, go the extra mile – if you miss a day with your child, schedule a make-up visit. Also keep copies of important documents (emails, texts about custody, school reports, receipts for the child’s expenses) in a simple binder or app. This organized evidence package not only keeps you on track but shows the judge that you are deeply invested in your child’s welfare.
4. Provide a Safe, Stable and Nurturing Home Environment
The court needs to feel confident that your home is a safe, stable place for your child. In New York, judges pay close attention to your overall living situation, including whether your home is clean and organized, whether you maintain a stable routine, and whether you have addressed any issues like substance abuse or domestic conflict. A strong custody case starts with showing that your household is free from chaos or danger — and that your child’s basic needs are consistently met.
Steps you can take to demonstrate a safe and supportive home environment:
- Maintain a regular work or school schedule to show consistency
- Eliminate any substance use and keep documentation of your sobriety
- Attend parenting or anger-management classes and save certificates as proof
- Keep your home clean, organized, and childproofed if necessary
- Ensure pets are well-trained or separated from your child if safety is a concern
- Make sure your child’s space includes appropriate bedding, clothing, and access to food and healthcare
- Avoid exposing your child to unsafe individuals; your partner, if applicable, should also model responsible behavior
5. Know and Use the Child Custody Laws in New York
Educate yourself about New York’s custody laws. Understand the terminology and legal standards so you know what the court expects. New York courts use the “best interests of the child” standard for custody decisions. They will consider each parent’s ability to provide, the quality of the home environment, each parent’s mental and physical health, and even the child’s wishes if the child is old enough.
Importantly, any change to a custody order requires proving a significant change in circumstances since the last order and that a custody change benefits the child. For example, if you need more parenting time now (maybe you got a more flexible job or completed rehab), you must file a petition for modification and clearly explain how things have changed. Reading up on child custody laws in New York will help you prepare.
Knowing the law also means following procedure: file your petition in the correct court (Family Court or Supreme Court), serve the papers properly, and meet all deadlines. Mistakes can delay your case or even cause a dismissal. Consider attending a few family court sessions to see how things work – this prepares you for what to expect. Above all, remember the goal: any custody change will hinge on what’s best for your child now. So tailor your evidence (improved lifestyle, involvement, stability) to show exactly that.
6. Cooperate and Communicate Respectfully with the Other Parent
Show the court you can co-parent civilly. Even if your relationship with the other parent is strained, try to keep communication respectful and focused on the child. Avoid arguing in front of your child or speaking negatively about the other parent to them – judges frown on parents who bad-mouth each other. Stick to neutral, factual communication (texts or email can help keep records of agreements or issues without hostile confrontation).
If exchanges are tense, consider a neutral location or third-party mediator for drop-offs. Try using custody apps or email to coordinate schedules, rather than heated phone calls. Treat everyone involved (the other parent, their lawyer, court staff) with courtesy. As one custody guide advises: “Treat everyone with respect… Tell the truth… Keep a level head”. Address the judge as “Your Honor,” and stay calm if tough questions arise.
If possible, demonstrate flexibility. For example, if the other parent asks for a schedule change or missed a visit, consider accommodating them if it doesn’t harm your time with the child. Voluntary cooperation can impress a judge. If an offer of mediation is made by the court, take it – it shows willingness to resolve issues. All these steps signal maturity and that you are focused on your child’s needs. A court is more likely to entrust custody to the parent who can work reasonably with the other party rather than escalate conflict.
7. Consult an Experienced Family Law Attorney
Trying to navigate New York’s custody laws on your own can be overwhelming and risky. The legal system is complex, and even small missteps can delay or derail your case. That’s why working with an experienced attorney is one of the smartest moves you can make. At Brian D. Perskin & Associates, based in New York City, you’ll find a team of knowledgeable New York City divorce attorneys and child custody attorneys who are deeply familiar with cases just like yours. Whether your custody issue stems from a divorce or a Family Court order, they can guide you through every step.
A skilled attorney can help by:
- Explaining how the divorce process in New York may impact your custody rights
- Filing petitions or appeals to modify your existing custody order
- Gathering and organizing critical evidence (school records, therapy notes, proof of employment, etc.)
- Preparing and presenting witnesses or character references
- Navigating court procedures, deadlines, and legal forms
- Making persuasive arguments on your behalf in court
- Ensuring you meet all legal requirements and avoid costly errors
Most importantly, your attorney is your advocate. They’ll help you stay focused, provide emotional reassurance, and fight to get your children back in your care.
8. Take Advantage of Parenting Classes and Support Programs
Show the court that you are investing in yourself as a parent. Enroll in parenting education or counseling programs and complete them. For example, if anger or communication was an issue, a parenting skills class can demonstrate your commitment to improvement. If substance abuse leads to custody loss, complete a certified treatment program and remain drug-free (the courts will want documentation of your sobriety).
If domestic violence was a factor, obtain counseling, keep any restraining order if needed, and show you’re distancing yourself from harmful situations. Even voluntary actions like attending family therapy sessions or support groups can help. Keep certificates or letters from program leaders as proof. These steps serve two purposes: they genuinely help you become a better parent, and they provide concrete evidence to the court that you’re serious about change. Judges look favorably on parents who have taken voluntary measures to grow and protect their children’s well-being.
Remember, it’s not just attendance that matters but personal growth. Be prepared to talk about what you learned in these programs and how you’re applying it at home. This shows sincerity. In New York, demonstrating this kind of positive personal development can be persuasive evidence that you’re ready to resume custody of your children.
9. Petition to Modify the Custody Order
If conditions have improved, the final legal step is to formally ask the court to change the custody order. In New York, either parent can file a petition to modify custody or visitation. You will need to prove that there has been a significant change in circumstances since the last order and that modifying custody is in your child’s best interests. Examples might include your new stable job schedule, completion of treatment programs, or a newly available home environment.
Work closely with your attorney to draft and file the petition correctly. Be clear and specific about what has changed. Attach your documentation: your journal of activities, evidence of compliance with past orders, statements from teachers or coaches, and any completed program certificates. You should also outline why the change is good for your child (for instance, more quality time with you, a safer environment, etc.).
The legal process can take time. You may have court appearances, and the court might order evaluations or mediation before granting a decision. Stay patient but persistent. Make sure to attend every hearing and respond to any motions on time. If temporary custody or visits are granted in the meantime, use them responsibly. This petition is your formal request to regain custody, so treat it with care. Even if the outcome is not immediate, your petition lays the groundwork: it officially puts you back in the fight, and each time a judge sees your positive evidence, it moves you closer to your goal.
10. Stay Focused on Your Child’s Best Interests and Keep Hope Alive
Above all, keep your child’s best interests at the heart of everything you do. Courts look for parents who are putting the child first. Continue to create loving experiences in your visits, keep your promise to improve, and show the court that everything you are doing is for the well-being of your children. Even if progress feels slow, stay positive. Significant changes and a respectful attitude can gradually turn the situation around.
Remember New York’s emphasis on reunification: unless it’s proven unsafe, the state prefers children to have ongoing relationships with both parents. Be the parent the judge sees as stable, responsible, and caring. If setbacks happen, learn from them and move forward – a good lawyer will help you adapt your strategy over time. With every small victory (a compliant step, a safe home improvement, a positive visit), you are building momentum for regaining custody.
Each step you take today – from following orders to spending quality time with your child – moves you closer to bringing your family back together. Stay strong and keep demonstrating to the court that your children will thrive with you.
Contact Brian D. Perskin & Associates to Get Your Children Back
Regaining custody can be a long, challenging road, but you don’t have to travel it alone. Brian D. Perskin & Associates has helped many New York parents through this process. Our compassionate, experienced attorneys understand both the legal and personal sides of custody cases. We will review your situation, explain your options, and guide you through every step – from improving your personal circumstances to filing petitions in court.
Don’t wait to take action. Contact Brian D. Perskin & Associates today for a free consultation. We serve clients across New York State and New York City, and we are ready to fight for your right to be with your children. Call us or fill out our online form – let us put our experience to work so you can start rebuilding your life with your kids by your side. Your family’s future is worth it, and we are here to help you secure it.