Child custody mediation is a required first step for most divorcing parents in New York—and for good reason. It’s faster, cheaper, and less combative than going to court. But to actually make it work, you need more than just paperwork—you need the right mindset and communication.
“Mediation isn’t about scoring points against your ex; it’s about working together to find a solution that works for your child,” says family law attorney Brian D. Perskin. “If you go in throwing insults or ultimatums, you’ve already lost the chance to successfully mediate your child custody case.”
In this article, we’ll break down what not to say during mediation, why your words matter, and how to keep the focus where it belongs: on your child’s best interests.
Don’t Say These 6 Things in Custody Mediation
Mediation is your chance to skip the courtroom drama and work out a custody agreement on your own terms. Unlike in court, where a judge calls the shots, mediation puts the power in your hands to build a parenting plan that works for your family. But with that power comes a catch: your words matter. One careless comment can derail progress, stir conflict, and make it harder to find common ground.
New York courts prioritize the child’s best interests, and so should you. If your tone turns combative or accusatory, mediators—and even judges down the line—may see you as unwilling to cooperate. Mediation may be confidential, but the impression you leave sticks.
As attorney Brian D. Perskin puts it, “Imagine the mediator could whisper in the judge’s ear. What do you want them to say about you?”
1. Negative Comments About the Other Parent
Taking jabs at your ex during mediation—“You’re a bad parent,” “This is all your fault”—may feel good in the moment, but it kills cooperation and makes resolution harder 😤. Personal attacks don’t just derail the conversation—they make you look unwilling to work together.
Mediation isn’t therapy—it’s not the place to rehash every grievance. The focus should stay on your child’s future, not your past relationship.
🔁 Shift from blame to solutions. Instead of venting frustrations, raise concerns constructively and keep the tone respectful.
- “You’re a terrible parent.” – This kind of insult is subjective and inflammatory. It’s better to avoid such labels altogether. If there’s a specific concern, phrase it constructively. For instance: “We both have strengths as parents, but we also have areas to improve. Let’s figure out how we can support each other for our child’s benefit.” This shows a cooperative tone and keeps the child’s best interests at the center.
- “All you care about is your own life.” – Accusing the other parent of selfishness will just make them defensive. A healthier approach might be: “I know we both have a lot going on. How can we balance our schedules better so that our child’s routine isn’t disrupted?”. This invites collaboration instead of conflict.
- “My children…” (in a possessive tone) – Even subtle wording can matter. Constantly saying “my child” in mediation, as opposed to “our child,” can come across as excluding the other parent from their role. It might be purely habit, but try to use inclusive language like “our child” or the child’s name. This small shift signals that you acknowledge you are co-parents, both important in your child’s life.
2. False Accusations or Exaggerations
Lying or making false claims during custody mediation is a fast way to lose credibility. Mediation depends on honesty. If you’re caught in a lie—even a small one—it can ruin trust with the mediator and your co-parent, and even hurt you in court if mediation fails.
❌ What to avoid:
- “He’s never around” (if he’s missed a few visits, not all)
- “She has a drinking problem” (without proof)
- “You always ignore our child” or “You never help with anything”
These overstatements trigger defensiveness and derail progress. Stick to facts and patterns, not emotional generalizations.
✅ Better approach:
- “You missed two of the last four weekends. Can we adjust the schedule to avoid that?”
As Brian D. Perskin puts it: “Once the other side catches you in a lie, even a small one, every other point you make will be under a cloud of doubt.”
If your ex lies, don’t stoop to their level. Stay calm, stick to facts, and ask the mediator to redirect the focus to what matters: your child.
3. Ultimatums and Threats
Mediation is about teamwork, not power plays. Threats like “You’ll never see the kids again” or “I’ll take you to court” shut down productive conversation and turn cooperation into confrontation. That kind of talk doesn’t just escalate conflict—it signals you’re not truly interested in compromise.
Remember: You’re in mediation to avoid court, not weaponize it. Judges expect both parents to try working things out. Coming in with rigid demands (like insisting on sole custody with no compromise) usually backfires.
Instead of pushing ultimatums, focus on creative solutions that serve your child’s best interests.
🚫 What not to say:
- “If you don’t agree, I’m done talking.”
- “You’ll never see the kids if you do that.”
- “It’s sole custody or nothing.”
- “If I don’t get holidays, I’ll drag this into court.”
✅ Try this instead:
- “Let’s figure out a schedule that’s fair to both of us.”
- “Holidays mean a lot to me—can we split them in a way that works?”
- “I’d really like to avoid court. I think we can work this out together.”
As Brian D. Perskin puts it:
“Mediation is about finding middle ground. The moment you start making threats—‘Do this or I walk’—you lose that middle ground.”
Bottom line: Check your anger at the door. Take a break if needed, and keep the conversation focused on what’s best for your child—not what hurts your ex.
4. Dwelling on Money or Other Irrelevant Issues
Mediation is for making a parenting plan—not settling old scores or debating who pays for what. Bringing up finances or relationship baggage distracts from what matters most: your child’s stability and routine.
Keep topics like child support, the mortgage, or past betrayals out of custody discussions. Courts treat custody and support separately, and trying to “trade” one for the other can backfire.
🚫 Avoid saying:
- “You still owe me money, so I deserve more say.”
- “I want to talk about who’s paying for piano lessons before I agree to anything.”
- “This is just like when you cheated.”
✅ Try instead:
- “Let’s focus on the schedule first—support can be worked out later.”
- “I want to make sure we’re both part of the decision-making process.”
Focus on your child’s future—not past grudges or unpaid bills. If money needs to be discussed, save it for a separate session or handle it with your attorneys.
5. Using Your Child as a Bargaining Chip
One of the worst mistakes you can make in custody mediation? Using your child as leverage. It’s damaging, unfair—and yes, mediators and judges notice.
📉 Examples of what not to say:
- “If you don’t agree, I’ll keep the kids from you.”
- “Give me full custody and I’ll drop the support issue.”
- “You can only come to the recital if you agree to XYZ.”
Kids aren’t prizes to be traded. When they sense they’re being used as pawns, it creates anxiety, guilt, and lasting emotional harm 💔. Courts in New York want both parents involved—unless there are serious safety concerns—so threatening to cut the other parent out will only hurt your case.
✅ What to say instead:
- “Our child needs time with both of us. How can we make that happen?”
- “Let’s focus on a plan that supports our child’s well-being.”
As Brian D. Perskin puts it:
“If a parent says, ‘Do this or you won’t see your child,’ it’s a red flag that they’ve lost sight of what’s best for the kid.”
Stay focused on cooperation—not control. Your child will thank you for it.
6. 🙊 Don’t Disrespect the Mediator
It’s not just your co-parent you need to be mindful of—how you treat the mediator matters too. Rolling your eyes, accusing them of bias, or saying things like “This is a waste of time” only makes you look uncooperative 👎.
Mediators don’t make decisions, but they do influence the process. If they see you being rude or unmanageable, they may end the session—or even report it if the mediation is court-connected. That could hurt your standing in future custody proceedings.
✅ Pro tips:
- Stay respectful, even if you’re frustrated.
- Ask for a break if you’re overwhelmed.
- Never accuse the mediator of taking sides unless there’s strong evidence.
- Follow basic ground rules (take turns speaking, stay on topic).
Showing patience and cooperation signals that you’re serious about working toward a solution—and that can make all the difference.
Finding Common Ground for Your Child’s Sake
At its core, child custody mediation in New York is about parents working together – often with the guidance of their child custody lawyers – to craft a parenting plan that reflects the best interests of their child.
To recap the key points of what not to say during custody mediation:
- Don’t attack your co-parent with insults or blame – keep the focus on the child’s needs, not the other parent’s faults.
- Don’t lie or exaggerate. Your credibility is priceless in these discussions; once lost, it’s hard to regain.
- Don’t make threats or ultimatums. Mediation is about compromise, not coercion.
- Don’t drag in unrelated issues like money or old grudges – it distracts from finding a custody solution.
- Don’t use your child as a bargaining tool. Ever. Decisions should be made with the child’s welfare in mind, not as transactions between parents.
- Don’t disrespect the mediator or process. Stay professional and cooperative, even if it’s tough.
Hire a Child Custody Mediation Attorney
Child custody mediation can be emotional—but it’s also a powerful opportunity to build a healthier co-parenting future. Contact Brian D. Perskin & Associates, we’ll help you prepare for every step of the process: what to say, what to avoid, and how to stay focused on your child’s best interests.
Let us help you navigate mediation with clarity, confidence, and compassion.