Has your once-close child suddenly become cold, distant, or unwilling to spend time with you? Do they repeat negative things about you that sound like they came from your ex? If so, you might be witnessing parental alienation. This guide is for divorcing parents in New York City (Brooklyn and Manhattan) who suspect parental alienation in a custody dispute.
We’ll explain what parental alienation is, how to recognize the signs, and what steps you can take to protect your relationship with your child. The tone here is both empathetic and strategic – we understand the emotional pain, but we’ll focus on smart, legal responses to address the issue.
What Is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation occurs when one parent actively undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent without a legitimate reason. In a typical scenario, one parent (often the primary custodial parent) manipulates the child to unjustifiably reject the other parent. This often happens in high-conflict divorces or separations. The alienating parent might “program” or brainwash the child by bad-mouthing the other parent, blaming them for the divorce, or making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent. Over time, the child may come to hate or fear the targeted parent without any genuine cause, such as abuse or neglect.
The goal of the alienating parent is usually to damage the child’s bond with the other parent – sometimes to punish the ex-spouse or to try to gain an upper hand in custody. The targeted parent (the one being alienated) is often left bewildered and heartbroken as a once-loving child pulls away. Parental alienation can occur in both sole custody and joint custody arrangements. It is essentially a form of emotional manipulation where one parent uses the child as a weapon in the conflict.
Why it matters: Courts and experts agree that parental alienation is never in a child’s best interests. Children generally do best when they have a healthy, loving relationship with both parents. Except in cases of real abuse or danger, there’s no “good reason” for a child to suddenly refuse contact with a parent they used to adore. That’s why New York courts view alienating behaviors very negatively – as an attempt to interfere with the child’s right to love both parents. In fact, severe parental alienation is now widely considered a form of child psychological abuse by mental health professionals.
Common Patterns of Alienating Behavior
Parental alienation rarely happens overnight. It typically develops through a pattern of behaviors by the alienating parent. Some common tactics and patterns to watch out for include:
Bad-mouthing the other parent: The alienating parent consistently speaks negatively about you in front of the child – blaming you for the breakup, criticizing your character or parenting, or even fabricating stories to make you look bad. Over time, the child internalizes these criticisms.
Limiting contact and communication: The alienator may try to cut down your time with the child. They might schedule fun activities during your visitation time, “forget” to tell you about school events, or intercept phone calls and messages. By interfering with communication and visits, they reduce your opportunities to bond with your child.
Creating fear and false narratives: In extreme cases, an alienating parent may make false accusations (for example, claiming you abused or neglected the child when you did not). They might tell the child that you don’t love them, or that being with you is dangerous. The child, not knowing better, may start to believe these false narratives and feel afraid or angry toward you.
Forcing the child to choose sides: The child may be put in a position where they feel they must show loyalty to one parent. An alienating parent may imply – or say outright – that affection for the other parent is a betrayal. They could use guilt or withdrawal of love to make the child take their side. For example, the parent might act very sad or upset when the child goes to your house, so the child learns to avoid seeing you to keep the other parent happy.
Erasing you from the child’s life: Some parents go so far as to erase all reminders of the other parent. They might hide or throw away photos of you, forbid the child from mentioning you at home, and exclude you from school or social activities. This sends the message that the other parent (you) is as good as “gone” or doesn’t exist in the child’s world.
Involving extended family: Often, the alienating parent’s friends or relatives join in the negative chorus. They might also speak badly about you in front of the child or refuse to acknowledge you. This reinforces the idea that one side of the family is “good” and the other is “bad.”
These behaviors can be subtle or overt. At the core, the alienating parent is placing their own grievances above the child’s need for a loving relationship with both parents. They may genuinely feel justified (for instance, if they are still angry about the marriage), but they are causing harm to the child by poisoning the child’s view of the other parent.
Signs and Symptoms in the Child
How can you tell if your child is a victim of parental alienation? Children undergoing alienation often exhibit noticeable changes in behavior and attitude toward the targeted parent. Here are some signs and symptoms to watch for in your child:
Unexplained hostility or rejection: The child is consistently hostile, cold, or angry toward you without any logical reason. They might refuse visits or cut them short even though you previously had a close relationship.
Parroting adult language or accusations: The child starts using phrases that sound like they came straight from the other parent. For example, a young child might suddenly say things like “You’re the reason for the divorce” or “You never do anything for me,” even though such ideas are beyond the child’s age. This often means they are repeating what they’ve been told.
Unjustified criticism and lack of ambivalence: Alienated children will criticize you relentlessly and rarely say anything positive about you. Everything you do is “wrong,” while the other parent can do no wrong. They have an extreme black-and-white view: one parent is all good, the other all bad. If you try to point out something obviously untrue, they insist their negative feelings are entirely their own idea.
No guilt or remorse: If the child says hurtful things or mistreats you, they show no guilt or empathy for your feelings. Normally, kids might feel bad later or apologize for being mean; an alienated child feels completely justified in rejecting you. They may even appear happy or relieved not to see you.
Refusing contact or hiding affection: The child may outright refuse to go with you on your parenting time, or constantly cancel plans to see you. If you do spend time together and happen to have fun, the child might ask you to keep it a secret from the other parent. This indicates the child fears disapproval or punishment if they show they enjoyed seeing you.
Extending the hatred to your family: In many cases, the child’s negativity extends to your entire side of the family. They may reject grandparents, aunts, uncles, or anyone associated with you. This suggests the alienation is deeply ingrained, as the child is taught to wipe out a whole half of their family.
Every child is different, and some of these behaviors can also appear in kids who are struggling with divorce without malicious alienation. For example, teenagers can be moody or distance themselves for reasons like normal adolescence. That’s why it’s important to look at the overall pattern and context. A single instance of a child saying “I’m mad at you” isn’t proof of alienation – but a persistent, systematic campaign of negativity is a red flag.
Signs of an Alienating Parent’s Behavior
It often takes two to co-parent peacefully, but only one parent to create alienation. Here are signs that your ex-partner (or soon-to-be ex) might be engaging in alienating behavior:
Chronic bad-mouthing: They frequently speak ill of you in front of the kids, airing adult grievances inappropriately. You hear from your child that “Mom/Dad says you’re the reason we have no money” or other blame-game statements.
Blocking or limiting your access: They make it difficult for you to communicate with the child. Your calls or texts to the child go unanswered because the other parent is intercepting messages. They might return gifts or letters you send, or constantly come up with excuses to deny or cut short your visitation (claiming the child is sick, busy, doesn’t want to go, etc.).
Breaking custody agreements: An alienating parent often bends or breaks the custody order. They might schedule vacations or activities during your time and tell the child it’s okay to skip your visits. They could also withhold the child outside of agreed times, defying court orders – a serious sign that alienation may be happening.
Involving the child in adult issues: They share unnecessary details about the divorce or court battles with the child, trying to sway the child’s feelings. For instance, telling the child “Your father is trying to take the house from us” or “Your mother wants to replace you with her new family.” This causes the child to feel allied with one parent against the other.
Emotionally manipulating the child: The parent may play the “victim” to the child, crying or acting upset to elicit sympathy, thereby painting you as the villain. They might also reward the child for rejecting you (with extra attention, gifts, or privileges) or punish them emotionally for showing warmth toward you.
False allegations and fear-mongering: A severe alienator might make false allegations of abuse, neglect, or other misconduct to authorities or to the child. The child might say things like “I don’t feel safe with you” out of fear instilled by the other parent. If you notice sudden allegations that have no basis, it’s a major warning sign.
If you recognize several of these behaviors in your co-parent, parental alienation could be at play. It’s important to keep detailed notes of incidents and communications, as this pattern might need to be demonstrated clearly in court later. We’ll discuss evidence-gathering soon, but first, understand the impact this has on your child.
Why Parental Alienation Is So Harmful
Parental alienation can be devastating — not only for the parent being rejected, but especially for the child. Psychologists note that children subjected to alienation suffer emotional and psychological harm, comparable to the trauma of abuse. Here are some of the effects and long-term consequences observed in alienated children:
Emotional turmoil and confusion: Alienated children feel conflicted, guilty, and rejected—often as if the targeted parent has died.
Anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem: Alienation can lead to mental health issues, with children feeling unloved or worthless.
Lack of trust and relationship issues: Viewing one parent as “all bad” can damage a child’s ability to form healthy relationships later in life.
Anger and behavioral problems: Alienated children often act out with anger, defiance, or aggression—behaviors that may extend beyond the home.
Identity and guilt issues: Children may internalize blame, feel ashamed of their connection to the alienated parent, or believe they caused the separation.
Long-term family impact: Alienation can harm relationships with both parents and may lead to future estrangement in the child’s own family.
If you’re the targeted parent, you’re likely feeling immense pain. Seeing your child turn against you is heartbreaking. You might be dealing with anger, fear, and sadness all at once. Remember that your child is also suffering in this situation, even if they don’t show it openly. They are caught in a loyalty bind that no child should ever be in.
Keeping that perspective – that your child is a victim of this manipulation – can help you stay focused on helping them, rather than blaming them.
Identifying Alienation vs. Normal Behavior
It’s important to approach suspected parental alienation thoughtfully. Not every instance of a child’s anger or a co-parent’s conflict is true parental alienation. Children of divorce can be moody, and they sometimes lash out at one or both parents due to the stress of the family changes. How do you differentiate normal turmoil from deliberate alienation?
Look for a pattern and source: Alienation often shows up as consistent, unexplained hostility from your child—usually echoing the other parent’s words or behavior.
Consider the child’s age: Younger kids rarely reject a parent without influence. Teens may act out for other reasons, but total rejection is still a red flag.
Get an outside perspective: A therapist or child specialist can help determine if your child’s behavior stems from alienation or normal coping.
Don’t assume without evidence: Avoid jumping to conclusions—other issues may be causing the behavior. Accusing your ex too quickly could backfire.
Don’t reciprocate: Control what you can—avoid speaking negatively about your ex, and stick to the custody plan. Kids notice who takes the high road, even if it takes time.
If you notice early signs (your child is reluctant to talk when with the other parent, or your ex starts making snide comments at exchanges), consider co-parenting counseling or mediation.
Responding Thoughtfully vs. Reacting Emotionally
When you realize you’re a target of parental alienation, you’ll likely feel a surge of emotions: anger, betrayal, panic, sadness. These feelings are completely understandable. However, it is crucial to respond thoughtfully, not explosively. Family court judges are not fond of parental drama, and an emotional outburst can backfire. Here’s how to approach the situation strategically:
Stay calm and document everything: Keep a detailed record of incidents, like missed visits or negative comments, and avoid emotional reactions—they can hurt your case.
Avoid direct confrontations in front of the child: Don’t argue with your ex around the child. Stay civil and use written communication to create a clear, calm record.
Maintain your presence in the child’s life: Keep showing up, even if it’s hard. Consistent effort shows your child—and the court—that you care.
Respond with empathy (but keep parenting): Acknowledge your child’s feelings without spoiling them. Stay loving but firm to provide stability and structure.
Don’t involve the child in the conflict: Avoid using your child to get information or prove your side. Keep adult issues between adults and focus on reassurance.
Family court judges appreciate parents who remain focused on the child’s well-being rather than engaging in tit-for-tat with the ex. As hard as it is, keeping your cool will make you the more credible, sympathetic party. Judges often lose patience with parents who seem to be bickering endlessly; you don’t want to come across as equally at fault in the drama.
Legal Remedies and How New York Courts Handle Parental Alienation
If parental alienation is occurring, you have legal options to protect both your child and your rights. New York courts take these allegations seriously—but strong evidence is essential.
In custody cases, courts prioritize the child’s well-being and generally favor strong relationships with both parents. If one parent is proven to be undermining that bond, it’s seen as harmful and weighed heavily against them. Judges do not look kindly on parents who use children to fuel conflict.
Possible legal remedies include:
Custody modification: Severe alienation can justify changing custody. Courts may transfer primary custody to the targeted parent if the alienating parent is harming the child’s well-being. Even in milder cases, visitation may be adjusted to prevent further damage.
Enforcement or contempt proceedings: If your ex violates custody orders, you can ask the court to enforce the agreement or hold them in contempt. Penalties may include makeup parenting time, fines, or even jail in serious cases.
Therapeutic interventions: Courts may order counseling for the child, co-parents, or both to help repair the damaged relationship and stop alienating behavior. These steps aim to support the child’s emotional recovery.
Supervised visitation or restrictions: In severe cases, a judge may limit or supervise the alienating parent’s contact with the child—or temporarily suspend it—until a healthier dynamic can be restored.
Support considerations: Rarely, courts may reduce or suspend child support if one parent’s alienation completely blocks the other’s relationship with the child, showing the court’s willingness to penalize extreme behavior.
Proving parental alienation in court requires showing that one parent’s actions intentionally turned the child against the other. It’s a high bar—judges must distinguish natural preferences from manipulation. Intent and resulting estrangement are key factors, and strong evidence is essential.
You’ll need to show:
a pattern of alienating behavior
that your child’s rejection isn’t based on anything you did
signs the child’s behavior reflects the other parent’s influence
The Importance of Evidence Collection
Documenting and collecting evidence of parental alienation is essential. Courts decide custody matters based on facts—not assumptions or accusations. As the targeted parent, your goal is to gather proof that shows a consistent pattern of alienating behavior and its impact on your child. Start by keeping a detailed log of incidents. Note specific dates, missed visitations, hostile remarks, or changes in your child’s behavior that suggest coaching. Over time, this record can reveal a pattern that supports your case in court.
In addition to your personal log, save all forms of communication. Preserve emails, texts, voicemails, and even social media messages that show interference or manipulation. For example, messages where the other parent justifies the child refusing contact—or messages that mirror adult language coming from your child—can be telling. These records demonstrate tone, intent, and influence, which are often crucial in proving alienation.
Third-party observations can also strengthen your case. Teachers, counselors, or family friends who’ve witnessed unusual behavior, overheard concerning comments, or noticed the child echoing negative narratives may provide statements or testify. If a therapist or evaluator is involved, their professional assessment of the parent-child dynamic can carry significant weight in court. Judges often rely on neutral mental health experts to determine whether alienation is present.
Finally, collect evidence that shows your ongoing efforts to maintain the relationship. Keep proof of calls, messages, gifts, or visits—especially those that go unanswered or are rejected. Show that you’re an involved, caring parent who hasn’t given up. If a forensic evaluator or Guardian ad Litem is appointed, give them specific examples. And remember: quality beats quantity. Work with your attorney to organize your strongest evidence clearly and effectively.
Working with an Experienced New York Family Law Attorney
Parental alienation cases are complex and highly sensitive. It’s not something you want to tackle alone. Working with an experienced family law attorney is critical to navigating this situation effectively. Here’s how the right lawyer can help:
Legal guidance and strategy: A skilled NYC custody attorney understands how courts handle alienation and will advise you on the best legal steps—like filing for custody changes or requesting evaluations—while ensuring compliance with local laws.
Presenting evidence professionally: It’s not just what you have, but how you present it. An attorney helps organize and frame your evidence clearly, gather expert input, and keep the focus on your child’s best interests—not courtroom drama.
Navigating the court system: Local attorneys know the ins and outs of NYC family courts, judges, and procedures. They’ll manage filings, deadlines, and communications so you can focus on your child.
Balancing empathy with action: A good lawyer combines compassion with results, validating your experience while pushing for legal remedies and connecting you with helpful resources.
Preventing mistakes: Your attorney will help you avoid missteps, handle communication with your ex, and ensure court orders are clearly written to prevent manipulation or loopholes.
Perhaps most importantly, an experienced lawyer gives you a sense of not being alone in this fight. Parental alienation can make a parent feel powerless and isolated. Once you have a professional on your side, you have an advocate who knows the system and will work to protect your relationship with your child. This peace of mind is invaluable.
Hiring a New York Child Custody Attorney
Parental alienation is one of the most painful challenges a parent can face during a divorce or custody dispute. It’s heart-wrenching to watch your child slip away due to another’s manipulation. However, there are strategies and legal tools to combat it.
You don’t have to fight this battle alone. Contact Brian D. Perskin & Associates P.C. for a free consultation. We will provide a compassionate ear, knowledgeable advice, and a strategic plan to help you and your child move forward. Your relationship with your child is worth fighting for – and we’re here to stand by your side every step of the way.