It’s a sentiment many parents echo when facing marital difficulties:
“We’re staying together for the kids.”
The idea sounds noble on the surface—self-sacrifice for the sake of family. But under closer examination, staying in an unhappy, dysfunctional, or even abusive marriage often causes more harm than good. While the short-term fear of divorce may feel overwhelming, the long-term effects of staying together solely for the kids can be deeply damaging—not just for the parents, but especially for the children.
At Brian D. Perskin & Associates P.C., we’ve helped thousands of families in New York navigate complex divorce and custody decisions. If you’re on the fence about leaving “for the kids,” here’s what you need to consider.
1. Children Know More Than You Think
You may think you’re hiding the tension in your marriage well—but children are incredibly perceptive.
Even if arguments aren’t loud or visible, children can feel the emotional undercurrents: the silent treatments, the sighs, the emotional distance. Over time, this becomes their model for what relationships should look like.
By staying in a toxic or unloving relationship, you risk normalizing dysfunction.
Your children may grow up believing that constant tension, coldness, or disrespect are normal parts of love. In many cases, these patterns repeat in their own adult relationships—continuing a cycle you desperately hoped to avoid.
2. The Hidden Damage of “Keeping the Peace”
Even in marriages without outright abuse, chronic conflict or emotional neglect can leave lasting scars.
Children raised in high-conflict households are more likely to experience:
- Anxiety and depression
- Low self-esteem
- Difficulty forming healthy relationships
- Poor academic performance
- Behavioral issues
- Long-term trust issues
A study from the Journal of Marriage and Family found that children in high-conflict married households fared worse than children whose parents divorced and created two separate, healthier homes. In other words, staying together isn’t automatically the better option.
3. Divorce Isn’t the End—It’s a New Beginning
Contrary to the outdated notion that divorce equals “broken homes,” modern research and lived experiences show a different story:
Children thrive in stable, peaceful environments—even if that means two homes instead of one.
When handled with care, divorce can:
- Reduce exposure to daily conflict
- Show kids that healthy boundaries matter
- Model emotional maturity and self-respect
- Offer both parents a chance to reset and rebuild happier, more balanced lives
In many cases, children of divorce express relief once the household tension lifts. With consistent love, structure, and co-parenting, they adapt—and often flourish.
4. Abuse Is Never Something to Stay For
If your marriage includes physical, verbal, emotional, or financial abuse—staying together is never the right choice.
Not only are children directly harmed by this kind of environment, but they also internalize these behaviors as part of “normal” family life. This dramatically increases the likelihood of becoming either a victim or perpetrator of abuse in the future.
Breaking this cycle takes strength—and professional legal support. If you are in this situation, please seek help immediately. Your safety and your children’s future are worth it.
Supporting Kids Through Divorce
Every child reacts differently to divorce. Some feel angry, others relieved. Some will need extra time to adjust—and that’s okay. With emotional support and guidance, most children become resilient, healthy adults.
You can help by:
- Reassuring them that the divorce is not their fault
- Encouraging open communication and questions
- Maintaining consistent routines
- Supporting therapy if needed
- Cooperating with your ex in front of the children
A family law attorney experienced in child custody can help you build a parenting plan that puts your child’s needs first—ensuring both parents remain active, loving, and dependable figures in their life.
When It’s Time to Talk to a Lawyer
Choosing to divorce is never easy, especially when children are involved. But if you’ve exhausted every effort to repair the marriage and still feel stuck in unhappiness or conflict, your next best step is to speak with an experienced divorce attorney.
At Brian D. Perskin & Associates P.C., we specialize in complex custody cases and contested divorce. Our team builds customized strategies tailored to your family’s specific needs—so you can move forward with clarity, strength, and security.
📞 Call 718-875-7584 today for to schedule a consultation.
Let us help you make the best decision for yourself—and your children.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Breaking a Family. You’re Rebuilding One.
Your children don’t need perfect parents. They need safe, loving, emotionally available ones.
Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do as a parent is to show them that it’s okay to walk away from what’s broken—and build something better.
You’re not choosing divorce.
You’re choosing peace, healing, and a healthier future—for all of you.