Telling your children you’re getting divorced may be one of the most emotionally difficult conversations you’ll ever have. For many parents, it ranks right up there with the day they realized their marriage was ending. Children rely on the family unit for stability, and the news that this structure is changing can shake their world. That said, there are ways to navigate this tough talk with empathy, clarity, and confidence.
If you’re unsure where to begin, you’re not alone. Below, we’ve laid out practical guidance on how to tell your kids about your divorce—and how to help them through it with love and security.
Plan the Conversation Together
Even if communication with your spouse is strained, try to present a united front when delivering the news. Children often feel safest when they see that their parents are still on the same team—even if that team now looks different.
Before you sit down with your children, agree on what you’re going to say. Avoid surprises. Don’t let the conversation happen impulsively or during a stressful moment. Choose a quiet time when you can all be present—ideally a weekend, not a school morning or holiday.
If a joint conversation is truly not possible, decide together who will go first, and make sure both parents eventually get a chance to talk with the children individually and answer questions.
Keep the Message Simple, Honest, and Reassuring
You don’t need to share the entire backstory of your divorce. In fact, you shouldn’t. Stick to a shared, non-blaming narrative. Phrases like:
- “We’ve tried to work out our differences, but we haven’t been able to.”
- “We both want to be happier and feel this is the best step forward.”
- “We’re not happy together anymore, but we still love you very much.”
These explanations provide honesty while avoiding placing blame or making your child feel caught in the middle.
Reassure Them It’s Not Their Fault
Children often internalize big changes. They might believe the divorce is happening because they got in trouble at school, or because it has been difficult lately. It’s crucial to say, directly and repeatedly, “This is not your fault.”
You can say:
“No matter what’s happening between us, we both love you very much. That will never change. This divorce is about us—not you.”
Even if your children seem to “get it” at first, continue reinforcing this point over the coming weeks and months. Children often need to hear reassurance many times before they truly believe it.
Talk About What Will Change—and What Will Stay the Same
Once you’ve told them the divorce is happening, children will start wondering what this means for their day-to-day life. Will they have to move? Will they still go to the same school? Which parent will take them to soccer practice?
If you already have answers, share them. If you’re still figuring things out, it’s okay to say that too—but follow up as soon as you can. Kids feel more secure when they know what to expect.
Explain the basics of the custody plan if it’s been decided. For example:
“You’ll live with Mom on weekdays and spend weekends with Dad. We’ll both still take you to your activities and come to school events.”
Be Ready for All Reactions
There’s no “right” way for kids to react to divorce news. Some may cry. Some may get angry. Some may act like they don’t care. And others may ask questions nonstop.
Whatever the response, be prepared to listen. Stay calm and let your children express themselves without rushing to “fix” their feelings. If they blame you or lash out, understand it’s likely coming from confusion and hurt.
Try to keep an open invitation: “You can always come to us with your questions. We’re here to talk anytime.”
Avoid Blame, Even If You’re Hurting
It can be tempting—especially if there’s betrayal or deep pain involved—to explain what happened from your point of view. But keep the focus on the child. Avoid phrases like:
- “Your dad left us.”
- “Your mom had an affair.”
- “If your father hadn’t messed up…”
Blame only makes children feel like they have to pick a side, which can be emotionally damaging and lead to lasting resentment.
Instead, focus on reassurance: “We may not live together anymore, but we will always be your parents.”
Be Age-Appropriate
The way you explain divorce to a five-year-old will differ from how you speak with a teenager. Younger kids need simple language and reassurance of routines. Older children may ask for more details or want to know how the divorce affects their social lives, academics, or even future holidays.
Let their questions guide how much you share. And when you don’t have all the answers, it’s perfectly okay to say, “That’s a good question—I’m still figuring that out.”
Set a Calm, Predictable Routine
Children thrive on structure, and during a time of upheaval, maintaining routines can give them a sense of security. Stick to consistent schedules between households if possible. Even small details like having dinner at the same time or keeping a regular bedtime routine can help ground your child in a new normal.
Post a calendar or visual schedule somewhere accessible to help them understand what’s happening week to week.
Model Healthy Coping
You don’t have to pretend to be emotionless, but your children should see that you’re managing your feelings in a healthy way. Crying occasionally is fine—it shows kids that emotions are normal—but avoid venting anger or sadness in a way that puts pressure on your children to comfort you.
If you’re struggling emotionally, therapy, journaling, or talking with close friends can be helpful outlets. The more grounded and emotionally available you are, the safer your kids will feel.
Check In Often
The initial conversation is only the beginning. Continue checking in with your children as the divorce process moves forward.
Ask open-ended questions like:
- “How are you feeling about everything lately?”
- “Anything you want to talk about or ask me?”
- “How can I help make this easier?”
Some kids won’t open up easily. That’s okay. Just keep the door open and reassure them they’re never alone.
When to Seek Help
If your child seems persistently sad, anxious, or withdrawn, or starts acting out in concerning ways (e.g., declining grades, aggression, sleep problems), consider seeking help from a child therapist. Divorce is hard—but children are remarkably resilient when they have the right support.
Hire Our Brooklyn and Manhattan Family Attorneys
At Brian D. Perskin & Associates P.C., we know that divorcing with children is an emotional and logistical challenge. Our attorneys are here to support you through every step of the process—from custody arrangements to parenting agreements, and everything in between.
With offices in Brooklyn and Manhattan, we bring over 40 years of combined experience to the table. If you’re preparing for divorce and need guidance tailored to your family’s needs, we’re ready to help.
📞 Call 866-822-9961 or 718-875-7584 today to schedule a consultation.
Let us help you protect your rights—and your children’s future.